Return to Sender

Birdie told me that writing a letter helps... Because of a certain situation in my life, I tried it out. It didn't make me feel better. It didn't help me release any emotion. Instead, I'm in bed crying myself asleep [and not for the first time this week, month, year] and choking back my feelings. Apparently having friends is a good thing but I'm starting to see the merits of being a hermit.

Dear Max,

I know you're going to find this letter terribly self-centred and selfish... And you know what? It is. I'm fully aware of the depth of my own self pity. But I'm tired of wallowing and blaming myself.

Every year you make a promise. A promise you'll make time for me; that you won't be too busy. That you won't forget about me. And every year you've broken it. Not to whip a dead horse but I've needed you during those times. It's not like being best friends turns off and on. Or apparently, it does. We're best friends with a seasonal delay.

You said you make more of an effort to speak with me than any of the girls or even your Mom. I get that... But at the same time, they can see you whenever they want. You could bump into them at the grocery or school. You could drive to see them or them you. Me? I'm stuck here. I can't just see you. Apparently demanding your attention doesn't work. Ignoring you doesn't work either because you message me and don't seem to realize there's a problem. Or if you do, you ignore it too.

So I want you to stop. Stop talking to me when you have a moment only to disappear again. Stop pretending I'm so important to you. If there's anything about the trip we need to talk about, then I'll email you but besides that? I'm done for now. I'm tired of living for someone who forgets I'm alive.

I'll be here, living my life and I'm sure you'll be living yours. 

My friend Ren says its too confrontational. I know it is. The beauty of it all? I'm a passive aggressive wimp. I hate fighting, fights, harsh words and anger. These things scare me. But lately? All I can do is think of how much I want to hurt her feelings because she's hurt mine. It's terrible and juvenile but sometimes makes me feel better. Not tonight though. I don't anything could salvage my mood. We're going down and the band is playing one last song.

Signing off with sincere apologies for being an emo kid, the Call Girl xx